Wednesday, July 10, 2013

The Queen of Laser Hair Removal

Yes, that is an official title, and it's mine.  Y'all know I love me some lasers.  I will pay out the wazoo for organic milk, but I'll laser the crap outta my body . . . at least I'll die hairless.

This is kinda the look I'm going for . . . meow . . . except minus the wrinkles and whiskers.
And I do not recommend you Google "hairless cats" because really . . . well, just don't.

I've decided that since I can't be tan, I'll be hairless . . . like basically from the neck down.  Yes nosey, that does include . . . my arms.  Winky face.

And really, I'm the perfect candidate because I have fair skin and my natural hair color is dark . . . I'm not blond or red, mostly just a mousy brown (therefore, I color my hair religiously).  Basically that means the laser will pick up the color of the dark hair and not the skin pigment (or lack thereof, in my case).  Naaaah Naaaah Nah Boo Boo tan people.  Take that and go be hairy.  I digress . . . 

I had my appointment yesterday for the full body zap . . . it requires some prep work, if you know what I mean.  Oh, you don't?  Let me explain. 

Thankfully I've been doing this for a few months so the time commitment is less these days . . . the first time was a doozy. 

See, you have to shave every area you want 'lasered.'  The hair has to be gone so the laser can zap the follicle . . . otherwise the laser's energy will be absorbed by the actual hair and your results won't be as good. 

And let's just assume that one has areas that have never been fully shaved before, like for example . . . your arms . . . well it takes awhile to get rid of the hair.  Like 'I ran out of hot water in the shower' too long!  I had to go back for round 2 with the razor before my first laser hair removal treatment. 

My next little nugget of info is a big one . . . are you ready?  Yes, it freaking hurts.  People always like to ask me, "Does it hurt?"  Uhm, yes.  Duh. 

Is it as bad as childbirth?  No people . . . nothing is really worse than pushing a bowling ball out of your va jay jay.  I play nice with the questions, I really do.  But yes, it hurts and yes, I live to tell about it.  And yes, I do it again and again and again.  No pain, no gain.  And I always tell the hairy people, "Try it, you'll like it!"  

So due to the "uncomfortableness" of the procedure, I purchased some numbing cream specially formulated by the Med Spa I go to . . . it looks like this . . .
And for the love of Petey, the syringe is just the way they measure it.  It serves no purpose other than to house the cream.  So I squeeze a little out . . . you don't need a lot, I've used it several times now and still have a lot left . . . and you apply it to the more "sensitive" areas.  I do not use it on my legs, arms, or anywhere else you can see, if that gives you a clue.  Insert another winky face.

You need to do this about an hour before you session.  And yes, it really works.  It's like you've had an epidural, and you can walk around.  You can't feel a freaking thing.  It's fabulous. 

And it would be nice if I could rub it everywhere to numb all the pain, but the FDA has deemed that not to be a good thing . . . and I'm basically a rule follower.  Apparently wrapping the areas you want numb in plastic wrap after applying the cream is also dumb . . . let it be noted that I never even considered that an option.  Again, I say, "Duh!"  Some people are just stupid.  Check this article out!

So I arrive at the spa and am promptly informed that my lady Beth no longer works there and that Anya will be taking care of me.  WTH?  Let's just say that Beth and I were old friends since she'd seen every square inch of me . . . it's a little scary to think about having a new esthetician.  But Anya was a delight, and bonus points . . . she had a fabulous Polish accent.  I love accents! 

You can't take antibiotics for two weeks before you have a treatment.  Check.  And you're not really supposed to have sun exposure for several weeks before the treatment because of the laser picking up on the color of your skin.  Check.

However, Anya thinks I have sunburn . . . ah, no, I'm just beet red all the time . . . there hasn't even been any sun in Atlanta for over a week.  I promise I haven't been sunbathing . . . ever.

So I undress and hop on the hot pink table in my little terry cloth wrap.  I put on my goggles and let the games begin . . . zap, zap, zap.   
She basically worked top down to the middle, feet up to the middle and then . . . well, the middle.  Which is actually the easiest part because it's numb!  Bonus. 

She was pretty impressed at how red and bumpy I got after the treatment . . . I told her not to be jealous, that it was a gift really.  When all was said and done, I had to apply hydro cortisone and aloe all over everywhere, basically like you'd treat a sunburn.  Good times.  These are my friends . . .
So now Anya and I are old friends, and I've made an appointment to go back for more laser treatments in August.  See, I told you it wasn't that bad.

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On another note, I went with some of my lady friends to see The Heat last night.  Hy-freaking-sterical!  I love a good laugh.  And I really love Melissa McCarthy!   
Now, I don't think it was as funny as the first Hangover movie or Bridesmaids, but it is definitely worth seeing in the theaters . . . unlike Monsters University. 
I suppose it's not fair for me to critique Monsters U . . . best $6.00 nap I've had in awhile!             

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4 comments:

  1. Fellow hairy lady here needs some details... where do you go? how often? how much does that ish cost? I want to be a hairless cat, too.:-P

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  2. I love laser hair removal! I've done it to my bikini a few times, and my underarms- both professionally. Then I bought the Tria so I could keep doing more, and my legs too. It's definitely not as good- dont waste your money.
    Do you mind me asking where you get it done and the price for your whole body?! That's definitely something I want to do! The few times I've had it professionally done wasnt enough- but did make a huge difference!

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  3. I want the same answers as Jessalyn. And I want to check out The Heat, but don't tell me you didn't like MU. It was so cute!

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