Tuesday, September 24, 2013

I try, but I'm not perfect

Fact:  All of us have days when we are shitty parents. 
Yes, I'm mostly a rock star when it comes to raising my children, but there are days when I would like a do over.  I had one of those recently.

I dropped a major F-bomb at one of my children . . . in front of my other two children. 

I felt immediate and swift regret.  And shame.  I felt like a loser. I can only imagine how my child felt. 
It came out of frustration.  And anger.  That's not to justify it . . . nothing a child does justifies asinine behavior by an adult.  But I need to understand what made me snap because I don't want to do it again.  I don't want to feel that way again . . . nor do I want my child to ever feel that way again. 

I was frustrated because while I have three very smart children, one occasionally chooses to turn off their brains and take the easy route.  We are halfway into the first 9 weeks of school, and I'm tired of the excuses.  All of which are invalid. 

I'm tired of the constant reminding and harassing and negotiating that comes with homework.  I've met with the teacher and have confirmed that my child is in fact a bright, sweet and perfectly capable child.  My exact quote in my moment of shame was something along the lines of this . . . "You need to turn on your f'ing brain."

Apparently, so do I. 

Save your criticism and judgment . . . I've done enough of that to myself.  I wasn't even sure I should talk about this here, but one day I want my child to read this and know how bad what I said hurts my own heart . . . knowing it hurt theirs. 

Of course I apologized.  I talked about how just because I was angry, I had no right to say such a naughty thing.  I didn't grow up hearing that word, and I don't want my children to either.

I felt forgiven by all of my children.  They are pretty awesome like that.   

I'm just not sure I've forgiven myself . . . yet. 

I saw this recently, and it hit home.  I'm trying very hard to be a good mother, certainly not perfect.  But good.  It's a journey . . .

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  1. Hang in there! Puts the way I talk sometimes into perspective... Eeek!

  2. Girl, I know you are feeling upset about it, but I bet in a few years this will be a joke between y'all. Not kidding! My siblings and I like to laugh with my dad about his temper from when we were kids. Not that it was funny to us then bc we were scared shitless, but we laugh and laugh now. :)

  3. My Mom could drop an "F" Bomb like nobody's business when I was growing up (don't judge)-LOL!
    She was the most amazing, kind, loving, funny, patient, creative, Room Mom volunteering, stay at home, supportive, unshockable woman I have EVER met (still to this day!) Not to mention that she is gorgeous, well put together and ALWAYS punctual (yea, super Mom for sure.) Her language when very upset DID NOT change me as a child or an adult one stinkin' bit! We definitely laugh about it now, but it was sooo much more for me than her language! That woman made me the Mom I am today.....and yes, I too ocasionally lose mind and have a poor choice of words. More importantly did you get your point across? Did your child understand your concerns? Do you know have a plan of action? LMAO! Love you girl!

  4. The fact that you even feel bad about having done it shows what an amazing parent you are. TBH, I've done this more than once without feeling bad about it. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how I need to step it up as a parent and moms I admire the hell out of. The list isn't long - just 3 names, but you are on it! <3 you!